I know that most of my blogs are about techie stuff and programming techniques. However, tonight I am inclined to write about something completely different. This really isn’t going to follow any particular writing discipline and this post will pretty much just be me getting some things off my chest for my own benefit.
First, yes I admit it. I am a recovering angry youth. I wear too much black I have an inner adolescent that still wants to flip someone the bird when they make me mad or tell me what to do. I often feel like I can’t live without music. Although most people will not call what I listen to music. Its mostly dark gothic rock with some occasional jazz, classical, opera, and blues mixed in. I suppose in a nutshell I am somewhat of a goth freak. Oh well thats me and those of you who do not like it please stop reading this blog NOW!
Ok. There have been a lot of things going on in my life lately, some good, some bad, and some just dangerous! At any rate, life for me is usually just one big suck fest after the other with brief periods of happiness mixed in.
One thing am I struggling with is that people just always seem to use me. They either want me to do something for them, fix something for them, create something for them, or (and my biggest issue) think for them! Needless to say I hate doing that for the most part. There are a few people that I don’t mind helping because they deserve it and I just like them.
I often wonder if I am depressed or just crazy. I constantly listen to depressing music. Yes I listen to HIM all the time. I like the dark and hate the sunlight, I often feel overwhelmed with everything that goes on, and I have a HUGE problem trusting people. HELP!!!! So I have come up with a few thoughts about this.
There are a few basic existential realities we all confront: mortality, aloneness and meaninglessness. Most people are aware of these things. A friend dies suddenly, a coworker commits suicide or some planes fly into tall buildings-these events shake most of us up and remind us of the basic realities. We deal, we grieve, we hold our kids tighter, remind ourselves that life is short and therefore to be enjoyed, and then we move on. Persistently not being able to put the existential realities aside to live and enjoy life, engage those around us or take care of ourselves just might be a sign of depression.
We all get sad sometimes, struggle to fall asleep, lose our appetite or have a hard time focusing. Does this mean we are depressed? Not necessarily. So how do you know the difference? The answer, as with most psychological diagnoses comes down to one word: functioning. How are you sleeping and eating? Are you isolating yourself from others? Have you stopped enjoying the things you used to enjoy? Difficulty focusing and concentrating? Irritable? Tired? Lack of motivation? Do you feel hopeless? Feel excessively guilty or worthless? Experiencing some of these things may be a sign of depression.
Depression can range from mild to severe. People sometimes minimize how they are feeling by saying, “anyone would feel this way in this situation” or “it isn’t like I want to kill myself”. You don’t have to be suicidal to be depressed but is a symptom of depression. Thinking a lot about death or wanting or even planning how you might die is serious and needs immediate attention. Call a friend, a crisis center, your doctor, call 911 or even show up at an ER.
Doing those things are easier said than done for those of us that are depressed. Seeking help (for me at least) is like an admission of failure. Like I am admitting that I can’t deal with “it”. Whatever “it” is. At any rate, I hope this post lets someone know that you’re not alone and other people feel the same way you do so don’t give up.
I have some friends that I could talk to although at times I feel like I am unnecessarily bothering them. I have one friend that knows me better than anyone but our relationship has been strained recently and I don’t know how to fix it. I hope this person knows that they are very important to me and that I feel guilty because I feel the way I do (depressed).
It is hard to communicate feelings to another person, at least it is for me. This person however, has been very understanding and that is something you won’t find in many people. However, and I regret to say this, I feel that our friendship might be coming to an end and for this I am very sorry. I hope I am wrong and I suppose that only time will tell. I hope that I can find out soon. I am not sure I can live without this person.
Goodnight and I wish everyone a great day tomorrow.
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